Lately, my thoughts have been heavy on John Bunyan’s The Pilgrim’s Progress—the story of Christian, a man who leaves everything familiar behind to journey toward the Celestial City. The story has always resonated with me, especially the way Christian must leave behind a family who does not understand his plight in pursuit of Christ. One of my favorite lines comes when Christian says:

“To go back is nothing but death; to go forward is fear of death, and life everlasting beyond it. I will yet go forward.”

Going forward has been difficult lately. I temporarily pulled down my “I Am Writing a Book” series about my current project, Legalism Into Light. This book, which follows the first three years after I left legalism, is a passion project I have been documenting and working on for quite some time. About a month ago, I was nearly finished with a third book update installment when I received a letter in the mail that really unsettled me. For a bit, I had to stop everything I am doing, and even pulled down my writing from my blog.

Do not panic: my project will soon be restored to the site, but I do want to change a thing or two before putting it back up, as well as giving an update here on what happened and what is coming next. Call this a bit of a regrouping post. I am not giving up the book I am writing, but I am going to take a bit of a different trajectory. 

Also forgive me if I sound blunt in areas here. I am nearing the old age of thirty, and I am hitting a point where you just gotta love me or move on. I don’t know what else I can say. 😂

What Happened

As I was working on my next writing update, I received a letter from a family member that I have been estranged from for many years. This person is no longer close to me and does not know much about my life. In short, the letter was sad. It was an attempt to put an end to my small ministry here, as well as several pages of painful accusations that left me in tears before I was even done with the first few paragraphs. The worst thing about it was how short-lived the hope I had upon receiving it. I had thought, “Maybe this person is finally starting to heal.” It broke my heart to realize the truth was quite the contrary.

In short, it was not a letter to mend anything. The core message was essentially: These are your sins, and here is why I forgive you. It contained lengthy passages describing the godliness of the world in which I grew up–passages of Thanksgivings supporting some pretty concerning things. It broke my heart to see how convinced this person was of that world being a good thing. I do not doubt God’s hand back in that world (you know, dear readers, I speak strongly of Christ’s hand in the darkness!) The thing is though, this person is entirely convinced that prison we both came from is a good place. Oh, how much it was not!

I do wonder if something in my Breaking Barriers post might have triggered this whole thing, especially my detailing of how I did not feel love until becoming a Christian. I still stand by this statement–I truly did not find peace and rest until finding the Lord! The letter only solidified more of my perspectives of the exact things it argued against. Also, clearly my own writing struck a nerve. This was not something I was personally intending to do–while I do write about my life, my childhood is very much in the past for me.

Side Note: I am unsure how I might ever communicate to those, still stuck in that world, that I am just so moved on. Dudes, I am not your enemy. Seriously, I spend most of my days sitting in a tube at the pool, reading books and thinking about what to work on next with my writing career. I am not back there, in that small world, angry and trying to write hit pieces to make you upset.

You see, I know that is what these people think, which is that I am bitter and on the path to revenge. That is a projection because that is their culture–they write angry hit pieces, therefore they think I share similar sentiments and motivations. Don’t even get me started on the gossip blogs I used to read when I was a Christian Fundamentalist–we will be here until our coffee is very cold. 😂 I laugh, but this also has such real world consequences. I have watched siblings within my own family keep their own blogs and social media pages for years writing hit pieces on the people who “wronged” our family…sometimes even pieces about members within our family. I have been featured in hit pieces myself! Like, ugh, do you guys realize how simultaneously unhealthy and cringe that is? What are you doing?! 😂😂😂

Everyone go to therapy please. Also, go back to church! Why am I the only one doing all the work here?? And, if you hate my blog, go read something else! There is nothing that obligates you to sit here, stewing angry at me because I want to talk about my own life from my perspective.

In the kindest way possible–go get a life, lol.

The real ones know what it is I am up to. I am writing a book on legalism to help people. This is a good thing. You readers know my integrity, and I know I do not have to prove anything to you guys. You get me. 😂

Time “to go forward”!

Anyways, by the time I finished reading the letter, I was left with an overwhelming realization: much of this letter actually had very little to do with me. It was about them. This person, alongside a few others, is upset that I have become publicly vocal about the legalistic environment in which I was raised. Yet I have watched other members of my family publicly write about people for years, causing actual real harm in the Christian community (as well as our own family), while my own ministry is labeled sinful simply because I am sharing my testimony. There is nothing wrong I am doing here, but it does scare them. It probably scares them because I am telling the truth.

Another Note: After writing this post, I also had a thought, which is that there is absolutely a line when it comes to writing things ethically or not. I honestly believe I have stayed within these bounds so far on this blog, as well as the work I do in private. Maybe I need to do a post on writer’s ethics to explain my mindset on this, but I do believe it is important to keep within a certain line of sharing. I love my privacy, and other people do as well, but that does not stop me from writing and calling into question the problems of VF, the NCFIC, the SAHDM, and IBLP. Those groups must be talked about and analyzed given they have caused so much damage in the Christian community. Sorry, but I am not backing down on talking about these groups and my own experience within them.

My parents raised me in this world–I grew up, escaped, and now write about it. I want to be respectful, but I also get to talk about it. This was my life for twenty-five years!

I am on a mission. I want people (even my still very lost family) to find true freedom. I find myself filled with so much of Christ’s joy, and I want to share that with others. I want people to realize that they do not have to stay stuck, wallowing in grief and bitterness. These people can truly walk free! God’s hand has been in this. The community on this site, the friends I have made, and those who have begun embarking on their own healing journeys because of the connection we have here–that is all of the Lord! It is as Jesus said in John 14:6, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life.” Let us keep building on that!

With my family, I remain unheard. I do trust the Lord will take care of them though within His own timing. I have a mission elsewhere, and I am sorry some still lack understanding. My job is to be like Christian the pilgrim, and go forward to the light!

What Comes Next?

So, they want me to shut up. I cannot lie, that did mess with my brain for a moment. But I have taken some time, and I see now it is important “to go forward” on the pathway the Lord has in front of me. I am going to keep writing Legalism Into Light AND sharing about it.

This time though, I really do need to tell the whole story–not just what happened after I left legalism. Honestly, the letter I received had quite the opposite impact I think was intended, because it reminded me why it is important that I tell the whole story and not just a slice of it. I cannot talk about how Christ redeemed me without sharing how I became a prodigal daughter in the first place. This requires going back and talking honestly about my family and the world I grew up in.

I know my birth family will hate this, but I am not operating on their time clock anymore. I belong to the Lord and I am committed to walking forward on this project with as much integrity as possible. Legalism Into Light is not being crushed by darkness, and neither shall I be.

For right now, I am taking some quiet time to myself, and letting this blog just exist like it is actually a true sanctuary. I am taking a break from the heavier stuff; maybe I will do some more book reviews since Princesses, Gardens, and Magic was so well-received. Some things in my private life are tough right now, so I am letting myself work through those things and will share more when I have the energy to do so.

Time “to go forward”,

Emily

P.S. I am going on vacation next week! Look forward to me potentially putting up something that I wrote for my darling husband. We just passed our two year mark of becoming a couple. So glad I married him. That has been one of my better life decisions. <3