“I am not theologically smart enough to speak on that,” I would constantly tell people. “Someone else can speak on that, but I can’t. Deep discussions about the Bible and God just aren’t my thing.”
Until this past week, I had forgotten how firmly I had once held this perspective. As a young woman, the Bible was for smart people–those who had thick theology books on their shelves–who could engage in long, tough conversations. Even worse, it felt like God was an old, angry man who did not want me or my problems. There were so many barriers that kept me frozen, feeling like an outsider to my own faith. Not until more recent years have I felt that disconnect fade, and have now realized how Scripture truly is for all of us.
So much of what was in my life was such a lie…I wonder if anyone else feels the same.
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My Personal Barriers
Every person is unique, but for me, as a young woman, I had such terrible self-talk when it came to reading my Bible. “God and the Bible are for smart people,” I told myself. During Bible studies and church gatherings, I felt like a complete outsider to the discussions.
Frankly, I was scared. I had witnessed so much arguing among my peers and adults that I was in a state of complete fear. I felt like if I cracked open my Bible, I would be forced to join heated debates. I wanted to read my Bible and understand it, but I felt like doing so would make my life even more difficult than it already was. So, I was left with an “ignorance is bliss” attitude and continued in that for much of my teens and young adult years, without delving deeply into Scripture.
While I did not know Scripture, I was very well-versed in rules. Even after completely leaving the several legalistic churches I was raised in, the environment stuck with me, and many people close to me were also still stuck. While we were no longer physically there, it still felt like the same pressures to live and look a certain way persisted. Those pressures, I later found, were not just unbiblical, but were downright dangerous. The older I became, the more I struggled against it, and I started asking questions about why things had to be a certain way.
I was not that quiet, demure young woman my world demanded I be — I started becoming vocal about the things I found both confusing and uncomfortable. This bothered people, but I could not stop asking questions. When I saw a rule that didn’t make sense, I felt it was important to bring it up and discuss it. More often than not, I suffered hard consequences from talking about the things no one else wanted to discuss. Telling the truth led me to being punished, and I even thought of myself as rebellious. What I later realized, however, was that I was on the path —albeit a messy one — to discovering what is actually true.
Legalism forced me to start thinking. I knew something was wrong, but I could not explain it. But I started looking for answers and there were days I sounded like a broken record–especially the day I asked, “Was I raised in a cult?” My bluntness made things increasingly difficult for me, but I could not bring myself to shut up.
God used my clunky, messy way of coming against the system to actually bring me back to him. On the days I could not explain in words why I knew certain rules were wrong, I had to pick up my Bible and desperately search for answers. It was a long process–it continues to this day–of me discovering that the endless rule-keeping, traditions, and moral behaviors that surrounded me since infancy did not guarantee I would go to heaven. Neither did adherence to these things make me a righteous person or give me any special favor with God. I discovered I was a sinner, just like everyone else. Without Christ, we are nothing. It was a shocking moment when I realized a friend of mine, whom I had unkindly regarded as worldly, had a more solid Christian walk than I did. She daily read her Bible, loved God, and showed Christ to everyone–whereas I, a girl from a Pharisaic land, equated holiness to winning the approval of those over me.
I was the biggest hypocrite I personally knew — and I needed God to help me change.
But I also craved love. Oh, how badly I wanted to be loved! It broke my heart that it felt like I could never find it. I never was good enough, and it threw me into a frenzy of unhealthy fixation to obtain something that did not even exist. But, again, when I returned to my Bible, I began to find something far more valuable and precious: Christ’s love for me.
Eventually, I came to be awe-struck. I could not believe how long I had been stuck in truly knowing my Bible. I also started to realize that asking questions was not a sign that I was a difficult or disobedient daughter —it meant God was calling me to a new, beautiful life. Sometimes, I would put my foot in my mouth, only half understanding some doctrine. But I was on the road to pursuing a deeper understanding of Scripture and, moreover, truly finding Christ. While I felt like a rebel for searching Scripture for answers that pushed back against ridiculous rules, God used that to show me something far more important — Himself and His grace.
In my first encounters with Christ, on the pages of my ESV Bible, I thought, “This is really great, but I don’t have time to dig deep into it. I must escape to freedom first–only then will I be able to find out who God is.”
But God had other plans.
When I Finally Found Freedom
There came a day when I was forced to commit entirely to pursuing God, which was when I sat, truly humbled, in a tiny bedroom on the top floor of a cold townhouse. The sole window of my room overlooked a loud highway that never seemed to hush, and I sat with my back against a cabinet that I had just pushed up against my bedroom door. In short, I was very scared in that moment. While it was very late at night, nothing about the house was quiet, and every sinister noise from my roommates and other unwelcome people in the rooms outside of my own made me tremble with fear.
There was no one there with me, and I sat alone on my floor for a long time, staring at my childhood books that sat in stacks in the corner of the bedroom, without a bookshelf. From my spot, I could see the faded cover of my childhood Bible. After a while, I picked it up, immediately turning to Genesis to read my favorite story from when I was a little girl — the story of Joseph and his brothers.
So much about this story deeply resonated with what I felt I was facing–especially the complete, horrible abandonment Joseph must have felt when his brothers betrayed him. For anyone who hasn’t read it, I can recommend it as one of the most beautiful and triumphant stories in the Bible. Joseph achieved great success several times in his life before losing everything again and again. Eventually, Joseph became a leader, second only to Pharaoh in Egypt, and God used him to save many lives during a severe famine.
Everyone talks about what happened when Joseph saw his brothers again, who had truly changed, and told them, “…you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good…” (Gen 50:20). Truly, those words are beautiful in showing how God can work in the hearts of people. What awed me, though, beyond God healing this family, was what happened in Joseph’s own heart before reconciling with his brothers.
As I sat there–alone and scared–I read of Joseph’s conclusion to his own pain. He said, “God has made me forget all my hardships and all my father’s house…” and “God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction” (Gen 41:50-52). In that moment it hit me: even though I was currently suffering in my own land of affliction, there was comfort to be found. Hard times were upon me, but God was there to protect and walk with me through all of my pain. When I finally closed my Bible that night, thankful the house had finally fallen silent, I went to bed with a resolve not to put off pursuing God. He was already right there with me, and now I was going to finally pay attention.
“Before the year of famine came, two sons were born to Joseph. Asenath, the daughter of Potiphera priest of On, bore them to him. Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh. “For,” he said, ‘God has made me forget all my hardship and all my father’s house.’ The name of the second he called Ephraim, ‘For God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction.'”
Genesis 41:50-52
Those were such sad days, but praise the Lord for giving them to me because I might not have found Him otherwise!
Today: I Am Still Overcoming Barriers!
Several years later, life greatly improved for me. My land of affliction gave way to many blessings–many of which really surprised me! I am like everyone, with my own fair share of hardship, but I am thankful God used my particular dark time to draw me closer to Him.
To this day, I continue to break down barriers by asking questions, but this time, I do not have the fear of being viewed as argumentative. I am thankful to sit in a pew where I am wanted. The little children roam the sanctuary, as if they feel the same thing I do: that their presence is wanted and their questions are welcomed. It is not just a church for the grownups—or, as I once called them, the smart people—but it is a church for everyone who comes to the Lord with an open heart.
Never would I ever claim to know everything. Honestly, if I sat at my desk for the rest of my life studying the Bible, I would not even have scratched the surface of understanding God’s majesty. What I am rejoicing in today, however, is that I have the freedom, desire, and encouragement to pursue the Lord. It has been a long journey, spanning over a decade, but my Bible is finally being read, and I am picking up theology books! The truth is now mine!
And I fondly smile when I remember those questions I asked as a young girl. I was searching for something I did not truly find until adulthood. That huge gaping wound in my heart also started healing, which is rather miraculous, as for several years, my entire existence seemed to be entirely defined by suffering. The pain, although it will always remain, is a lot lighter now, and I keep finding myself asking, “When did life get so much sweeter?” Perhaps the better question to ask would be a rhetorical one, which is “How amazing is our Savior?” Go give a listen to Amazing Grace again, specifically focusing on the lyrics: “’Tis grace that brought me thus far”.
Right now, I find myself reading my Bible with such a thirst for knowledge as I have never had before–I want to understand things so badly. I need answers. And I am finding them! I often find myself saying, “Why didn’t anyone tell me about this? It is right here in my Bible! I had no idea.”
“I need to learn more about that,” I tell people now. “Why don’t we both go see what Scripture says?”
