A year into my writing journey, my book Legalism Into Light is currently at 20,000 words and in draft 2. Thus far, my writing experience has been deeply rewarding. As part of my “I am Writing a Book” video series, in my latest update I go more in-depth of why I am writing this book.
In this video, I delve into the my experience in online Christian groups, which inspired me to start writing my story! I also elaborate on some of the mistakes I made after leaving legalism. Finally, I offer insight on what I have personally found healing.
In my video, I describe the alarming number of Christian women (of all ages both single and married) who are stuck in a legalistic, rules-based environment (3:43). Being a survivor myself, I have spent years researching into the world in which I was raised. In some ways, I consider myself fortunate to have not have been exposed to some of the more extreme measures taken by families around me. Some of the stories of people from groups like the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP), Vision Forum (VF) and the Stay at Home Daughter’s Movement (SAHDM) are truly grueling. I constantly think, “Thank you, Lord, I did not have __ happen to me.” Given the legalistic world I was exposed to, I very well could have fallen into dire circumstances that were even worse than what I personally suffered through.
Was everything about my upbringing terrible? The short answer is no. If I have children, homeschooling is a strong consideration of mine. I also love many of the creative projects my parents tackled with us kids. I had the opportunity to see a huge portion of the United States (travelling nearly every year of my youth), learned how to garden, and was heavily involved with the beekeeping community. I also credit my father personally for instilling a hard work ethic in me, which is something that has served me well to this day. There were a lot of legitimately cool, wonderful things I gained from my experience, and I would not trade that for anything!
This stated, my childhood was greatly complicated, filled with false teachings. Around me, there were all the teachings of submitting to my father, making a perfect home, and abstaining from pursuing a career. I read the Botkin sisters’ books So Much More and It’s (Not That) Complicated as part of my homeschool curriculum. By the time I was fifteen years old, I entirely believed in the trad-wife, anti-career rhetoric preached by those around me. Moreover, my desperation to be the perfect daughter led to me forget what God thought of me. Instead, I hyper-fixated on the validation from people, which caused me great pain when I, of course, did not live up to expectations.
These issues I developed have lasted long into adulthood. As a grown woman, I deeply wrestle with the expectations of other people. I still struggle to be a “good girl” when I need to focus on what pleases God instead. To my frustration, I struggle with undoing the false worldview I was taught at a young, impressionable age. It is a daily struggle against decades of programming in which I have to give myself a lot of grace in healing.
Children are incredibly impressionable. Having researched a fair amount into childhood development, I have come to realize important factors in how children develop their worldview. The National Library of Medicine defines impressionability as, “a concept that has been used by researchers to mean vulnerability and sensitivity to an environment.” Naturally, children are going to adopt and mimic similar thoughts, actions, and behaviors of those around them–especially caregivers. Given these facts, it is understandable why legalistic environments cause devastating damage to young people. Truly, the problem does begin in childhood, where vulnerable children are exposed to harm. It is no wonder these children grow up and struggle to enter adulthood as the early days of their lives were fraught with so many issues.
In my encounters with my peers, many who are still stuck in legalism, I have observed an underlying correlation between many, which is they are usually isolated and scared of the world. Many are well-read in the Bible and can quote Bible commentaries better than I could personally recount to you the story of Cinderella. Some are even strong debaters, digging their feet into the dirt with a determination to keep their perspectives from cracking. What scares me most is when I encounter a person who has become complicit to the point of supporting the system. To me, this is a terrifying place to be as it entirely erodes true reality, putting that person from an even further place away from healing their own childhood wounds. My heart goes out to these victims who do not see themselves as victims. They turn on other victims too, fighting with everything to maintain their worldview. If only they could see their trap of pain and isolation. Things do not have to be this way, and God can set such victims free.
I sometimes wonder what it will take for these victims to become strong, healthy survivors of the system. A life tragedy? The death of a parent? It is not for me to know, but something I have learned to entirely trust to the Lord. He has a plan for the lost, and it is simply my own job to pray my peers will someday also come into the light.
“Our tendency is to feel intuitively that the more difficult life gets, the more alone we are. As we sink further into pain, we sink further into felt isolation. The Bible corrects us. Our pain never outstrips what he himself shares in. We are never alone. That sorrow that feels so isolating, so unique, was endured by him in the past and is now shouldered by him in the present.”
― Dane C. Ortlund, Gentle and Lowly
There is also the issue that I have found my legalistic-bent peers to be underdeveloped in rather basic life skills. For myself, I entirely understand given I faced my own fair share of immaturity. I have been there! I even laugh when I remember not being able to do things like talk to people on the phone, schedule a dentist appointment, or even order off of a menu. The outstanding amount of regular, everyday things that most normal people do were entirely lost on me until my mid-twenties. Like my peers, I did not know how to do anything except within a limited sphere.
What concerns me even more are the people, within legalism, who do not seem to be concerned with how their children were raised. “We don’t public school” or “Our kids are only friends with people at church” are some of phrases I have personally heard. Too often, I hear the reasonings for poor parenting decisions cited as the desire to keep kids out of the secular world and away from poor influences. While I somewhat understand the argument-indeed, who out there does truly find our public school system in the USA to be great?-I do believe this level of sheltering to be harmful, especially as it is too often coupled with exposing children to cultic groups.
How ironic, given Christian Fundamentalism is so damaging on young, impressionable minds that these parents so unconcerned with the dangers of legalism. In my opinion, this is as ludicrous as saying you are on a diet while eating a bag of candy. I wonder if these parents have read 1st Corinthians 15:33 where it states, “Bad company corrupts good character.” Do they not see that exposing children to such extreme groups is lifelong damaging?
I don’t know about you, but none of this makes sense to me.
It was my own lack of skills and understanding of the true God that caused me to wake-up and start asking my own questions. I had to take it back to the basics of asking, “Who is God?”, “How am I supposed to live?” and “Where should I be going to church?”
Taking my backpack, with a pocket Bible gifted to me by my grandmother, I headed into the world, searching for answers. During this time, I became a responsible adult and started catching up on the world I had been sheltered from. I found having Christ with me was essential and without Him I was helpless. Finally, I discovered the truth the Christians around me were missing out, which is that we can “live in the world” but not necessarily “of the world”. I realized there is a great importance in mingling with many people different from myself as it helps me grow as a human being. Moreover, by being around a diverse group of people, I have the amazing opportunity of bringing them the gospel. Afterall, that is the great commission from Matthew 28:19 “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations…”
Truly, everything does come back to the cross. I have learned there is great healing that can be found in Christ, and I am thankful the Lord called me out of the darkness into the light! My writing of Legalism Into Light is, in essence, a declaration of how grateful I am for my Savior, and to give hope to others in pursuing a life of freedom.
Resources
Here are a couple of resources that have helped me along my journey. A few years ago, a dear friend of mine recommended a book called Gentle and Lowly by Dane C. Ortlund. This book details who Christ is, delving into Bible passages about His character. In reading this book, I was reminded of how gentle Christ is, especially given the harsh world in which we live.
My friend also recommended to me the podcast Control Freak Christianity. In short, this podcast changed my life. If you want to learn all things about IBLP and VF, this is the podcast for you! They cover a wide range of topics, focusing on legalism and Christian Fundamentalism in the United States.
Want to Follow My Writing Journey?
Visit my last update for more information! Also, check out my post Pivoting…into writing a book to learn more about my background.
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Emily