This is not exactly news – my closer friends have been reading my writing for years and have known that my short stories would someday grow into an actual book. A nearly finished first draft of Legalism into Light sits on my desk. It terrifies me how easily this draft came together, almost by a divine force, to become the foundation of what is now forming into a second draft of a book that follows my journey from the dark world of legalism into the light.
What has not been easy is the level of mixed emotions I have had while working through this first draft. The roots of this book came from therapy exercises, but I have told myself I lack the ability, questioned my motives, and halted myself from writing it several times. Even after several years, with my initial processing of my ordeal long over, I still wrestle with the fear of sharing my story. What is it that scares me so badly? Is it the possible criticism? Backlash?
Those are all scary things. The underlying thing that has held me captive, however, is that I deeply want to do the topic justice, with respect to others, and to myself. I do realize there will be a day where this book is inevitably completed and read by people. I just so badly want to do this in the right way. I want my words to be written with integrity. And, I want to honor myself, others, and the Lord in this process. I have realized I can…and I am going to do so!
With newfound courage, I am writing again. This time with dignity.
And, this time, to tell the truth.
I was told I was not raised in a cult. Instead, my family maintained that what we experienced was spiritual abuse from the church caused by “other people” and not ourselves. As I entered into adulthood, I began to question this narrative, and gradually I came to realize everything I had previously believed was a complete lie. The truth of the matter was that I had grown up in a controlling environment that supplemented Christ for legalism.
No, I was not Mormon. No, I was not Amish. And, no, my family was not Catholic. What I fell prey to was a specific branch of Christian fundamentalism headed by an organization no longer in existence–Vision Forum. My siblings and I were Vision Forum kids, and it was evident. People who met us soon discovered we were trapped in a world of purity culture, rules, and fear. The person who did not see the trap was myself. Not until I was out of the system did I start looking back and realizing the terrifying place I had come from, and that most of my friends and family were still ensnared.
Today, when I meet people, the “I was raised in a cult” conversation eventually comes up. It is something I struggle to take ownership of since I strive to respect my family and my past. Nosy people have asked me, “Where are your parents?” and “Where do you come from?” I do not fault them for lacking the knowledge that these simple questions have kept me a continual struggle of providing an explanation for a past of which I am deeply ashamed. I came from something scary–and not everyone understands it.
I have found ways to discuss it, and I pride myself on being able to settle difficult questions with a simple, “My childhood was complicated.” Sometimes though, my words fail to satisfy, and I am left with having to make a difficult decision of speaking more or setting the firm boundary of, “I rather not discuss that–it is too personal.”
Not only has it been too personal, it has simply been too grand of a topic to breakdown in a mere short conversation. How does one even begin to describe the vast network of legalistic churches I frequented from birth to my late teens? Most people are familiar with the Duggars-the controversial family from reality TV. A handful of people are familiar with the equally complicated Plath family from TLC’s ‘Welcome to Plathville’. Even fewer know about Vision Forum, the National Center for Family Integrated Churches (NCFIC), and the Stay at Home Daughters Movement (SAHDM). These groups were not specifically bound by one denomination, but spread across the United States over the past couple of decades. It is such a vast network of legalistic groups that I have started referring to the entire network as The Movement. Many families have fallen prey to The Movement, and not enough people are talking about it.
Remarkably, I remained a Christian after escaping my own prison. I regard this as the Lord’s hand of preservation on me throughout what has been a rather grueling, terrifying situation that I experienced in my mid-twenties. It has been a struggle for me to find others who have also survived and maintained their Christian identity in the process. Thankfully, there are a handful of heroes that I have looked up to on my journey. Jinger Duggar Vuolo has spoken up in a way I find to be so respectful and inspiring (see my short review on her book). Lydia Plath Wyse has remained a believer despite the majority of her family deconstructing. While I do not hold to all of the beliefs of these women myself, I am grateful for their courage in standing firm. Voices such as these are extremely rare, and I find myself still looking for other survivors also still standing.
“But was it really that big of a deal?” I have been asked. “You were only in it for ten years.”
Yes, it was that big of a deal–and, I would not want my own daughter to be in it for ten minutes, let alone ten years. You would not believe what my peers and I survived, and I am overjoyed to see people FINALLY talking about it.
A few years ago, I sat through the first season of ‘Shiny Happy People’ with a near disbelief of seeing my life up on screen. It was all real, and I was not the only one! On screen, I listened to people describing the crazy, unbiblical rules of the system, many of which I also experienced. The extreme measures of sheltering and continual exposure to unsafe people and groups had the opposite impact that many parents intended. Instead, it created confusion and children who learned to hide and lie about their passions, interests, and dreams.
What I loved about this series is how they showed that books, movies, music, educational tools, clothing, extra curricular activities, and even friendships were not safe within the system. In my own upbringing, there were a lot of things eliminated that the majority of other Christians see as beneficial and healthy to raising a family. Moreover, many of us grew up thinking we were the only real Christians in the world–we were the elect. That notion is one I was unable to shake until I finally heard the true gospel as a young woman.
‘Shiny Happy People’ helped confirm I was not crazy, or alone. But, upon the conclusion of the series, however, I found myself frustrated. As the credits began to roll, I found myself thinking, “That cannot be right. They did not tell the whole story!””
There is so much more to the story, and this is why for years I have found myself needing to share on the topic. As more people publish their own books, go on podcasts, and talk about their own experience in The Movement, I find myself increasingly concerned with a lot of the conversation. To be sure, many of us survived great atrocities, but very few are talking about what comes next. Many of my peers are stuck wallowing, unable to put one foot in front of the other. Some are still stuck in the system, unable to see the terrifying place in which they have been raised. There are even some who have not been in the system for many years, but they are operating as if they never left. And, there are some who have escaped and are deeply angry, wishing to cause harm on those who raised them in it. Whatever the case, I have yet to find God truly within this scope. There are very few whom I have encountered who have truly escaped legalism and are pursuing Christ.
What I personally cannot abide by is wallowing in the traumas of my own complicated childhood. It was VERY complicated and VERY painful for me. While I recognize the blur of hardship I experienced though, I cannot turn a blind eye to the many joys and blessings I have experienced throughout my entire life! I cherish so much from my childhood, but I also can see how my girlhood was caught up with a rather “complicated” situation. Two things can be true at the same time, and I think it is about time that the narrative is reframed.
We are not just victims–we are survivors!
As a survivor, I feel a deep responsibility to share my own testimony from legalism into light. While I do not have all the answers, I think my story might help others since I was trapped for twenty-five years before gaining enough courage to actually leave. For me, it has not so much been the struggle of the years trapped in legalism, but the story of what happened afterwards when I made many of my own mistakes. Once I was free, I did not know how to live. It was through a lot of failure and a whole lot of faith that I started to finally function as a normal, healthy adult woman.
Given my messy past, I am writing this book to accomplish two goals. First, I am sharing this story to FINALLY tell the truth. There is a narrative I have held in a shameful silence my entire life, but it is one I have learned to come to grips with in my heart. The mental struggles of my mind during the three years AFTER I left legalism are what I want to discuss. This lonely, scary time left a lasting impact on everything in my life, and it greatly deepened my Christian faith when I realized I am a survivor and not a victim. My book is not a “Tell-All” (I have family and friends that I love and respect). Rather, it is a window into the mind of a young woman who struggled to begin a new life after cults, poverty, and heartbreak. It is MY STORY of how I have found sanctuary in my new life and how community, humor, and fun have healed so much of my soul!
Second, I am sharing this story to help others embark on their own healing journeys. Testimonies and memoirs have deep power, and I realize there is an importance in sharing what I have experienced. Remember, I have looked up to the few standing survivors of The Movement with the hope of guidance. It is time I take my place among them (messy as I am) and add my own voice to the conversation because there are many women, like myself, who are seeking freedom.
Writing my story is a bold thing. I think of writers like Corrie Ten Boom, who survived imprisonment in a Nazi concentration camp, and of Joni Erikson Tada who has suffered for decades in a wheelchair. Likely, they were also terrified of putting pen to paper. I do not doubt they were afraid! Sharing our stories is such an intimate thing. But, that does not mean that it is a bad thing. Stories are what make us human.
For this reason, I must write this book, and despite my anxieties, I know I can write it. I pray every bit of it is honoring unto the Lord, and it helps other people. There are still so many of my peers who are struggling to leave legalism, and it breaks my heart to see them go through the same trials I did myself. To them, I deeply want to say, “You can leave. By God’s grace, I escaped. And, you can too!”
“If it helped at least one person, would it be worth writing about it?” my husband Peter asked me.
This question made everything so clear. Goodness, yes! Even if one person read my book and was helped, then it is worth everything!
My pen is back in my hand and I am working on my book again. It will be a long road of writing, rewriting, painful edits, and late night workshops. This time, however, I am approaching this work with such a sincere feeling of meaning. While I cannot reveal all – the best bits are being saved for my final draft – I plan on taking my subscribers in a behind-the-scenes journey of my writing process and construction of this book. This is going to be an amazing adventure, and I want to invite you to go on it with me.
If you have not already subscribed to Sanctuary Story, it is now time come on board! I post every Tuesday, and will send you a personal newsletter to your email weekly. My book writing updates are exclusively for subscribers, so make sure you are part of the community!
For my journey of writing my book, I will be posting updates (such as this one), videos, and Live chats where you can ask me (just about) anything about my writing process. I have been an avid member of the writing community for years, and even if you are a lurker, you are still invited.
Come with me on what is going to be an remarkable adventure!
Emily